Normal Horoscope:
normal-horoscopes:
Aries: Armed only with your trombone and the funk in your heart you will hurtle yourself unto the breach to seek a lover taken too soon.
Taurus: You are the biggest girlfriend. All others shall quake beneath your herculean strength. You hold the vault of the sky and can drop it selectively on people you dont like.
Gemini: If someone asks as to why you are carrying around a pair of industrial bolt cutters take a moment to consider how much effort it would take for you to answer.
Cancer: Its reverse cremation time.
Leo: Seek the lighthouse before it seeks you. Wear dark clothing and move as quickly as possible.
Virgo: In case of emergency you can wield a computer mouse like a mace. It is effective against laptops used as shields.
Libra: Life has no victory condition. There are no losers in life. Having an orgasm on the moon is pretty impressive though.
Scorpio: I think you mean Dire-Good-Boy.
Ophiuchus: If you are going to die you might as well do it in rollerskates. Have fun until that last moment. Go out rollin’.
Sagittarius: The sauce is increasing the tide is rising hold your breath and prepare your gnocchi.
Capricorn: Curses can be caught in silk blankets and tossed back without going off.
Aquarius: Time will flow in reverse briefly today and you’ll think you’re high. It will be fine.
Pisces: Today an angel will descend from the sky to tell you to eat more raw grains.
